Oh yeah and I finally opened this old blog teehee.
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I honestly do not know what you are to me.
Are you a caring older brother or would-be husband? Because the way you interact with me gives me feelings of that I would feel from a lover and at the same time I feel as I am in the presence of the older brother I never wished for. And I do not wish for you to be an “acting older brother” but a person whom I can spend the remainder of my time with. Even so, the thought of you being an older brother to me does not really bother me, but it does give me a sense of awkwardness because of my mixed feelings towards you.
I have always wondered about many things when it comes to you. What do you think of me? Why did you text me like that? Why I, of all your peers do you wish to seek me in times of boredom as you always say? Were you really bored when you sought me out? Do I annoy you when I interact with you? Should I give you up to this other girl that you clearly know in a much longer time frame than I? I know she loves you, she shows her emotions like a sitting duck in a field of hunters, but do you love her in return? If you do, I would let you go with a willing heart and mind and I can finally move on. Do let me move on. Whether I move on alone or with you will depend on what you think of me. Again I ask, what do you think of me, my dear senior?
To soothe such heart-ache I constantly stop myself from sending you any willful messages. I try to control my gaze when you are around, but in my mind I wish for you to catch a glimpse of my stalking stares. Yes, I do call myself a stalker due to the constant visits to your webpage, old blog, facebook, twitter and such. However, such visits are lessening now, in order to calm my heart.
Are you a caring older brother or would-be husband? Because the way you interact with me gives me feelings of that I would feel from a lover and at the same time I feel as I am in the presence of the older brother I never wished for. And I do not wish for you to be an “acting older brother” but a person whom I can spend the remainder of my time with. Even so, the thought of you being an older brother to me does not really bother me, but it does give me a sense of awkwardness because of my mixed feelings towards you.
I have always wondered about many things when it comes to you. What do you think of me? Why did you text me like that? Why I, of all your peers do you wish to seek me in times of boredom as you always say? Were you really bored when you sought me out? Do I annoy you when I interact with you? Should I give you up to this other girl that you clearly know in a much longer time frame than I? I know she loves you, she shows her emotions like a sitting duck in a field of hunters, but do you love her in return? If you do, I would let you go with a willing heart and mind and I can finally move on. Do let me move on. Whether I move on alone or with you will depend on what you think of me. Again I ask, what do you think of me, my dear senior?
To soothe such heart-ache I constantly stop myself from sending you any willful messages. I try to control my gaze when you are around, but in my mind I wish for you to catch a glimpse of my stalking stares. Yes, I do call myself a stalker due to the constant visits to your webpage, old blog, facebook, twitter and such. However, such visits are lessening now, in order to calm my heart.
Even though I have done various things to
keep you off my mind, I would then suddenly receive a message from you. Oh how
such messages send my mind and heart in frenzy and my fingers type as fast as
they can to reply you within a short time limit, hoping that your interest in
me for that short moment would not waver. Then after sending my reply, I brace
myself for ‘The Wait’, the agonizing seconds that pass by in your reply
intervals. This cycle repeats for every session. I repeat and emphasize, for
every session. I wish they will stop, but at the same time I wish you would
think of me more. I confuse myself.
I wrote this after meeting you, after
having to go through the feelings you give me when seeing you. I always get
those mixed feelings. Thankfully our meetings will cease after this, when this
year ends, but then again my mind will still seek you out, will still remember
our fleeting maybe meaningless moments. I will treasure them, because they are
the sweet memories of a confused girl.
With mixed feelings,
-Amelia
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And hopefully I get to update more often.
Sorry for not updating so long Ainaa and Aman 8D
Sorry for not updating so long Ainaa and Aman 8D
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