The Substance Of Nothingness…

…is I.

“You are not good enough”
“You are not beautiful”
“You are not smart”
“You are unwanted”
“You amount to NOTHING”

How many times have I heard those voices chanting out those profanities?

In reality, those words mean nothing, not I and yet…they are a part of I. A part of my nothingness.

“Hush”,”Quiet!”,”Shut up!”, I would reply to each voice but yet they still carry on their mantra and seldom do they silence themselves. When they do, I'm at my strongest. Nothing can even put a scratch much less a dent on my being during those times.

"You are weak," I am not. You're weaker than me, the whole lot of you. 

I will never be that girl that dresses up to impress. Never be that girl with cooking skills of a master chef. Never be that girl with housework skills that make high-class butlers and maids feel envy. “You’re not good enough. Never be good enough.”

Make-up, crayons for adults as I see them. Why would I want to slap on layers of chemicals on to my face. Occasionally I don’t mind, but every single day? I think that’s silly. Hundreds of ringgit for a piece of clothing? I could get more of you at sales and budget outlets AND have spare for other things. “You’re not beautiful. Ugly hag.”

I care not for the age of matrimony. Care not for the grandeur of the event. I care for the wisdom and knowledge accumulated before such events. “You’re not smart. And you want to pursue a masters? You’ll fail. You'll grow old, and alone.”

I’m trying…I don’t have much time and didn’t have the skills and starting play time like you guys had…I don’t…even have anyone to help me but myself…It’s…always been like that. Well, that’s what I feel most times. I know people help, I know people are always there, I know, but…when that nothingness envelops me, “Please help me.”

“Please help me…”, I would softly say within the flurry of those harsh whispers, on the battlefield of my own mind.

Please help me, cause when they start chanting, I can’t help myself.

Deep Blue

Let the waves crash over my body as it drifts from one place to another. The sea brings me to foreign lands; lands with surfaces that I would never get to see with my own eyes. The only sight I see is this stunning blue surrounding me. The vast blue that associates itself with red clouds during the moment I entered this cerulean utopia. Thankfully the tides dispersed the red cloud and brought it’s stench of live death to other regions of the sea.

My body is only tattered here and there. The marine life left me alone after a few weeks of dwelling with them. Maybe they see me as their own now? If only I was accepted as a part of the homosapien family on the surface throughout my 18 years of living.

 My two blue orbs are ever watching the wavy rays of the sun, without the pulsing heat I and my fellow humans used to complain about. I miss that heat. All I feel now is the cold sea no matter how much of the sun’s rays reach me. I regret those days when I would retreat into artificially cooled rooms when the heat seemed too much to bear. But this cold has seeped itself into the marrow of my bones. I need warmth. I want life. But now I drift with the currents and fish that swim my way.

No more shall I feel the heat of another human body. No more shall I taste the fine delicacies of the surface. No more will I feel the pains and pleasures of emotion. No more shall I set eyes on colours other than this blue hue and pulsating white light.

I miss my old life, oh but did it miss me? It discarded me into the sea as soon as my time came and now I long for it come back. Flow your elixir of life back into this tattered body of mine. Let me re-write what I have done, let me re-write my life’s story. But time will keep on moving, with or without my life from 0000 to 2359 for days, months, decades, until the bright orb above disappears and even time ceases to exist.

Then, I accept my fate.

My un-blinking eyes are now saved from the blasted light above by this whale, finally blocking out the last rays of the sun I used to know. It was peaceful. The whale swam on above me slowly coming up from my feet. Good bye sun, good bye my dear surface. This sea and this whale have saved me from having to feel soil thrown at me and crush my body in the earth. I am with the sea now. This is my new home, until the day time stops.