The Substance Of Nothingness…

…is I.

“You are not good enough”
“You are not beautiful”
“You are not smart”
“You are unwanted”
“You amount to NOTHING”

How many times have I heard those voices chanting out those profanities?

In reality, those words mean nothing, not I and yet…they are a part of I. A part of my nothingness.

“Hush”,”Quiet!”,”Shut up!”, I would reply to each voice but yet they still carry on their mantra and seldom do they silence themselves. When they do, I'm at my strongest. Nothing can even put a scratch much less a dent on my being during those times.

"You are weak," I am not. You're weaker than me, the whole lot of you. 

I will never be that girl that dresses up to impress. Never be that girl with cooking skills of a master chef. Never be that girl with housework skills that make high-class butlers and maids feel envy. “You’re not good enough. Never be good enough.”

Make-up, crayons for adults as I see them. Why would I want to slap on layers of chemicals on to my face. Occasionally I don’t mind, but every single day? I think that’s silly. Hundreds of ringgit for a piece of clothing? I could get more of you at sales and budget outlets AND have spare for other things. “You’re not beautiful. Ugly hag.”

I care not for the age of matrimony. Care not for the grandeur of the event. I care for the wisdom and knowledge accumulated before such events. “You’re not smart. And you want to pursue a masters? You’ll fail. You'll grow old, and alone.”

I’m trying…I don’t have much time and didn’t have the skills and starting play time like you guys had…I don’t…even have anyone to help me but myself…It’s…always been like that. Well, that’s what I feel most times. I know people help, I know people are always there, I know, but…when that nothingness envelops me, “Please help me.”

“Please help me…”, I would softly say within the flurry of those harsh whispers, on the battlefield of my own mind.

Please help me, cause when they start chanting, I can’t help myself.

Deep Blue

Let the waves crash over my body as it drifts from one place to another. The sea brings me to foreign lands; lands with surfaces that I would never get to see with my own eyes. The only sight I see is this stunning blue surrounding me. The vast blue that associates itself with red clouds during the moment I entered this cerulean utopia. Thankfully the tides dispersed the red cloud and brought it’s stench of live death to other regions of the sea.

My body is only tattered here and there. The marine life left me alone after a few weeks of dwelling with them. Maybe they see me as their own now? If only I was accepted as a part of the homosapien family on the surface throughout my 18 years of living.

 My two blue orbs are ever watching the wavy rays of the sun, without the pulsing heat I and my fellow humans used to complain about. I miss that heat. All I feel now is the cold sea no matter how much of the sun’s rays reach me. I regret those days when I would retreat into artificially cooled rooms when the heat seemed too much to bear. But this cold has seeped itself into the marrow of my bones. I need warmth. I want life. But now I drift with the currents and fish that swim my way.

No more shall I feel the heat of another human body. No more shall I taste the fine delicacies of the surface. No more will I feel the pains and pleasures of emotion. No more shall I set eyes on colours other than this blue hue and pulsating white light.

I miss my old life, oh but did it miss me? It discarded me into the sea as soon as my time came and now I long for it come back. Flow your elixir of life back into this tattered body of mine. Let me re-write what I have done, let me re-write my life’s story. But time will keep on moving, with or without my life from 0000 to 2359 for days, months, decades, until the bright orb above disappears and even time ceases to exist.

Then, I accept my fate.

My un-blinking eyes are now saved from the blasted light above by this whale, finally blocking out the last rays of the sun I used to know. It was peaceful. The whale swam on above me slowly coming up from my feet. Good bye sun, good bye my dear surface. This sea and this whale have saved me from having to feel soil thrown at me and crush my body in the earth. I am with the sea now. This is my new home, until the day time stops.

Day 1

I…The first time we met huh?

Well, out of all the unfamiliar faces I saw in the music room, I noticed yours first.
I marked you as someone that could be described by a word that the ‘The Outsider’ from the game Dishonoured would always call his chosen ones, ‘interesting’.

Out of all those dull and trying-to-be-macho faces, yours seemed the closest to reality.

I only gave you glances hoping you wouldn’t catch me doing them. Thank goodness my seat was faaar away from the boy’s side. I’m scared of boys actually, but you weren’t scary. Hopefully you’re not to me. That’d be troublesome in the long run.

I then perceived you to be one who was musically inclined. You looked like someone who’d play the clarinet, or more commonly the guitar. And as I got to know you better, you did play the clarinet in your school band.

Your glasses told me you spent a long amount of time on the computer or in front of television screens. A gamer. Or it just ran in your family. Eventually I also found out it was both.

While the class progressed I thought, while looking at you from time to time and after the teacher told us we could choose from a selection of instruments, I thought that, ‘how nice would it be if we you could choose an instrument that only the two of us played in class,’ it would have been easier and less awkward for me to talk to you, cause you seemed like the helping type too. I’m sure if you were clustered with other instrument groups you’d help those who asked you in that group first. That’s what I thought. Kind of selfish I know. But to say I wanted you all to myself, no.
Aaaand to say it was love at first sight, no.

You see, the odd thing about me is, I can’t identify my own feelings. Yes, sometimes I don’t know whether I’m depressed, angry, anxious…in love, unless it’s really obvious that I have to feel such awkward feelings. If I could, I’d like a sign that says what I’m feeling every time my mind starts acting weird and my body feels a certain temperature or aura. So basically to say I’m in love with you, I can’t because I don’t know if I’m actually in love with a person unless they’re close family members.

A few things are certain though, I feel safe around you. It’s not really boring around you. I do sometimes get worried if I annoy you and then you’d want to distance yourself from me, like others…
But I do warn you, I can do the same. You don’t even have to be annoying. I just get this feeling that I’ve been with this person for a large amount of time and I need to some me time, or time with others, like a cat. They can cuddle up to you even if there’s a full bowl of food in the kitchen. They just want to be with you right then and there, but then after a while they just want to go to a corner and curl up. That’s me, you can say I’m a cat.
Cats choose their owners. I truly believe this statement and I will choose mine. Because when a cat has an owner, they’ll always find ways to come back to them, the owner they select that is. But mind you, cats are fickle beings; they can change owners as well, if they deem the old owner unreliable and unsatisfactory. Sorry, but I can be like that. I’d just ignore you.

Oh but this isn’t about me, it’s about the first time we met.
I wouldn’t say it was magical, but it was…interesting.

The Things You Do To Me

After such an oh-so-very-long time, I finally have the guts to post this up after a year or so.
Oh yeah and I finally opened this old blog teehee.

XXXXXXXX

I honestly do not know what you are to me.

Are you a caring older brother or would-be husband? Because the way you interact with me gives me feelings of that I would feel from a lover and at the same time I feel as I am in the presence of the older brother I never wished for. And I do not wish for you to be an “acting older brother” but a person whom I can spend the remainder of my time with. Even so, the thought of you being an older brother to me does not really bother me, but it does give me a sense of awkwardness because of my mixed feelings towards you.

I have always wondered about many things when it comes to you. What do you think of me? Why did you text me like that? Why I, of all your peers do you wish to seek me in times of boredom as you always say? Were you really bored when you sought me out? Do I annoy you when I interact with you? Should I give you up to this other girl that you clearly know in a much longer time frame than I? I know she loves you, she shows her emotions like a sitting duck in a field of hunters, but do you love her in return? If you do, I would let you go with a willing heart and mind and I can finally move on. Do let me move on. Whether I move on alone or with you will depend on what you think of me. Again I ask, what do you think of me, my dear senior?

To soothe such heart-ache I constantly stop myself from sending you any willful messages. I try to control my gaze when you are around, but in my mind I wish for you to catch a glimpse of my stalking stares. Yes, I do call myself a stalker due to the constant visits to your webpage, old blog, facebook, twitter and such. However, such visits are lessening now, in order to calm my heart.

Even though I have done various things to keep you off my mind, I would then suddenly receive a message from you. Oh how such messages send my mind and heart in frenzy and my fingers type as fast as they can to reply you within a short time limit, hoping that your interest in me for that short moment would not waver. Then after sending my reply, I brace myself for ‘The Wait’, the agonizing seconds that pass by in your reply intervals. This cycle repeats for every session. I repeat and emphasize, for every session. I wish they will stop, but at the same time I wish you would think of me more. I confuse myself.

I wrote this after meeting you, after having to go through the feelings you give me when seeing you. I always get those mixed feelings. Thankfully our meetings will cease after this, when this year ends, but then again my mind will still seek you out, will still remember our fleeting maybe meaningless moments. I will treasure them, because they are the sweet memories of a confused girl.

With mixed feelings,

-Amelia

XXXXXXXX

And hopefully I get to update more often.
Sorry for not updating so long Ainaa and Aman 8D 

3 Months and a Few Days

Wow it sure has been quite some time since I’ve opened up this little blog-o-mine. Guess it’s gathered up dust again. It’s not that I wanted to leave it. I just didn’t know what to write and I simply had no time because truthfully I’m terrible at time management.

Well, I did almost want to delete this due to some people issues that I will not state in case of this blog being hacked or such. I’m just doing some precautionary measures. Thank Nisa my CMD friend for saving the life of this internet diary. Oh yea CMD what in George Peanutwaffle’s name is that??

Hahah Guess I have a long tale to tell yet again!

First of let’s just start with the month of December, year 2011. On the 14^th of that month I left school with the last paper of SPM 11’ being Engineering Drawing (LK) for my class. Woohoo!! I’m out of school. I was happy but…quite scared at the same time cause in my heart I knew bad things were about to happen. Instead of going with those notions I just kept telling myself “Whatever bad things that want to happen to me, just let them happen and keep headstrong”. Whether I heeded my own words I’m entirely not sure. Some people call me strong but…am I now? I don’t know. I’ll let society be the judge of that. Anyway, right after the literal END OF SCHOOL, my whole class went to Taman Tengku Anis, had tons of photos taken and ate McD on the grass. Ahh the bliss of Mother Nature and grease laden food. Can’t get more naturally unnatural than that hahah

In the midst of all that fun and happiness, I kept from all of them my plans for life after SPM even from my own best friend till she got it out of me during a phone call. She cried upon hearing the news and I felt terrible for not crying along but I just had enough of crying, well at that time that is. So what is this plan you may ask? I should type it out in list form :

1. I was going to move to KL.
2. I couldn’t tag along when friends decided to make their respective drivers license.
3. I might have to start college early in January.

Not many plans I know, but the 1^st and 3^rd are quite a big deal in my life. The first would’ve meant leaving the place where I grew up and started to love (still don’t quite like the civilization there though) and the third meant that the prospects of me enjoying the long awaited ‘break from school’ was never going to happen.

How did I cope through all this? I just told myself it was fate. Who has the right to oppose fate? Plus, I just kept telling myself that there MUST be something good resulting from all of this.

“Every grey cloud has a silver lining”

I keep to those words whenever an obstacle comes my way. Also,

“Allah won’t give you tasks that you can’t handle on this earth for He is the most gracious and most merciful”

Heard it from a dear friend and cousin of mine. How I love her for her constant support throughout my life. J

Xxxx

Now let’s start with college. It’s not like I myself didn’t choose it. I did and it was one of my dream universities (My main was One Academy and it still is).

The place of choice~? *drum roll*

Universiti Teknologi PETRONAS, Tronoh, Perak.

I almost didn’t go for the interview. I almost didn’t check my e-mail when they sent a message to my mom’s phone. I almost wanted to press the reject button…

….But I didn’t and now I’m here.

Do I regret it? The only thing I regret was not being able to see my Aunt before she was buried. Every other decision I’ve made up until now doesn’t even give me shadows of regret and doubt. The phrase “What if…” I will not let it apply to me because being haunted by the past would just sicken my mind, when I could make it healthier by moving forward. Just move forward and make the most out of your choice. You chose it; now go through with it with all your heart. You made that choice for a reason didn’t you? Everything has a reason. Doing things with no prior reason would me you have no soul in what you’re doing and basically that’s just sad. Frank I am, I know.

Anywho, I started Uni life on the 17^th of Jan 12’, dubbed the “AWESOME” batch. Oh how torturous orientation week was, but then again I can’t help but miss those moments. I’ll surely be a fessi for one of orientation weeks that’s for sure!

I won’t lie, it is hard learning here, but hey, what’s life without challenges. Although I’m still a lazy homosapien teehee~ and my friends from my past till now can justify that.  Speaking of friends, there’s plenty here of friends here, close ones too and they range from many age groups. Haha seriously there’s no age distinction in college, well for my college that is. For example, I’m apart of the famous Media and Technology (MEDTECH) Club. (One word to describe it “IMBA” hahaha). It has a mix of all sorts of people from different ages but that doesn’t really distort the ability to communicate with each other. We perceive one another as equals and whenever one needs help there’s always a ready hand. I’ll always be committed to them and I’ll surely be apart MEDTECH Alumni.  At the same time I still keep the dear friends of my past circulating in my mind, though I don’t communicate much with them nowadays. I hope they don’t suddenly hate me L
I admit I’m lousy at time management. I like to take my own sweet time which is a BIG NO NO in the world of engineers or anything in that matter. Better buck up then~

All in all, UTP was a great choice. It really did change me for the better. The thing that surprised me the most was, UTP shortened the gap between me and the All Mighty. That was something I never expected, but like I said, it changed me for the better and I like that oh so very very much. I thought I’d be stuck in darkness until adulthood. Guess fate had better plans. I’m thankful for seeing the light at an early stage before anything happens, even if it’s just small glimpses at first but I’m sure that it’ll grow from a spotlight to the light of a thousand suns. I hope so…one day…

And it looks like I’ve covered most of my life since my last post (minus some events :P) I’m only human haha.

Lovely day~

Test results. Thou hath not failed me xD

Makes me really feel like listening to "Lovely Day" by Bill Withers. In fact, I really am listening to it.
Ahhh it really is such a lovely day.

First of all, Physics. One of the subjects I've been shittin my mind over >< was the first one I got today.
And what did I get?

*Drum roll

70 % hahah yea just an A-
but at least its an A -w-
right right~? I remember Mr. Eng originally gave me 57%(even that was an error -_-. He miscalculated. It was supposed to be 66%) So then after looking sadly at it and half-assedly recounted the marks which he wrote as 41. So add...add...add...add....more adding.........43...wait what?

Yea I counted 3 times and it still came out as 43. Mind you this is per 63 :p So I quickly told the teacher cause he was reaaaally rushing us for any corrections. Told him and he recalculated. count count count, click click went the calculator and viola~.....61% WHAAA???
Oh wait he didn't add the marks from my assignment. Hahahahaaaaaaa I was really worried there ._.
So after adding the marks, I still just got a 69% -,- ...... I know it really was a "FUUUUU!!! ONE FRIGGIN MORE" moment but I just made a blurry face and accepted it like a big girl should...*sniff*....
Oh but wait....Mr. Eng then said these oh-so-beautiful words "69..hmmm...70 lah"
My heart wanted to just out my chest xD but endless string of "Thank you's" came out instead. Oh how that was nerve-racking...
another A- was for SV (Civics studies. I think thats what you call it in English -,-)

but of course I consider myself as an average student so like all average students, we don't really got a string of A's huh xD So for today I knew I got a B+ for Add. Math and Chem(actually I don't quite know this one, my friend told me. So I don't really know for sure)

Although the icing on the cake for today were English and Math.
Yea you can guess, they're A+s ohhhh yeaaaa. Imma not tellin ya the percentage :p
So let's just stick with that.

After school, I went into the car with my notebook in hand with the results I already know <3
and showed them to daddy dearest. I was expecting for the usual "Oh....well thats good"
but today....he unexpectedly said " *counting counting (number of As :/)....hmmm....this should be 8"
and I was like "whaaaaa....? You have expectations for moi?? :O "
So I just calmly told him "Thats not all of them yet. So I'll tell you when the rest come"

so that was my day. k bai  xD

*Cough *Cough Wow This Place has Gathered Some Serious Dustbunnies

*Dusts there, dusts here, dusts you face* Oppsie daisy I didn't see you there with all of the dust this place has gathered. Plus I don't really get much visitors in this musty blog of mine. But feel free to make this place as your own~ Here have a cup of tea and some scones...oh my they've grown...mold...errr....Well the Darjeeling tea is still fresh :D


            What am I rambling on about. This is all Ainaa's fault. Getting me to re-open this place. I've grown old.Ok maayyybe not that old. But to start rambling on and on like this wow...I need to check in with old father time and look at what era I'm in. Oh yes, you came here to hear about how I've been since my old (REALLY OLD) post :) Why thank you kind lassie/boy (mostly girls come here anyways xD) Hmmmm.....where shall my tales of adventure, glee, hate, love, and all that jazz start. Ah yes, listen now, I won't tell it twice. Heck I'll probably forget it after this.


Last year- You're probably wondering how that water rocket thingamabob worked out eh? Well we weren't the best but at least a 3rd place spot in Presenting was a nice victory what with all the anxiety, cowering, planing, scheming(sounds so devilish >:D) and mainly, research we had to do before the big dayS. Note the giant 'S'. Yes they were really BIG days for us. If you'd let me go on and on about just the rocket competition, I'd be making an unapproved essay right about now. So on to the next fiasco.


            Ok it's not so much as a humiliating failure as it is a sad sad way of living for a few days. For those days I call "The Dawning of an Epic battle" in other words, it's final exams T-T
Ahhh yes the days of which a child/teen/adult(even they have such things in their own way)
must face in order to show a degree of their understanding throughout what they have learnt. Be it in the classroom/workshop/temple/ etc.
For me, I had to face not one gruesome battle, but TWO @!%*!@#!& (insert vulgar language in any country) WARS. Yes my dear reader 'wars', against 10 subjects of importance to what I am currently learning [If you're wondering what it is, it's LKTK (Engineering Technology & Engineering Drawings)] And, what most fear when one must walk/run/jump/skip/prance/yougetthemessage the road of blood(final exam days) is.....A MAJOR ILLNESS. Augh I was sick like a fish that swam through sewage water. I was limp and unable to move like I had no limbs. Whatever I consumed seemed to find their way out as soon as it entered my esophagus. I dare not tell you the details of it (neither you would want to know eh?).  All of this while facing a major war. Of all the things God could have thrown at me. But I accepted it all with strong mind, filled with optimism. But then....
Came other casualties :\
            The gaping wounds to my F1 teammates. How hurt me so to leave them for the sake of many reasons I wish not to bring forth. Ok maybe one, I had to retake the exams if I were to go on with them. Not all the papers just for a few subjects. Not a big deal eh? Time.
Time was a big deal to me. Going on would have cost me precious time. Voiding me of my family. Meaning, my father would have to redo so many tasks in order for us(me, my sister and father) to meet with our relatives, whom mean the world to me. Looking at the circumstances, I appointed Private Sha as my replacement. How happy I was to look at their progress. Even though it was without me being there with them. They did fine jobs nonetheless :) Then....cam another unaccounted mishap.
            The delay of the Mathematics paper. It was to be taken on the day my family and I had to leave for KL. How I fought with my father to miss that one test for the sake of seeing my relatives. Tears that should not have been shed were, alas flowed like a strong river.
Feeling sad for me? don't be, for every mushroom cloud there is always a silver lining (remind you of a certain song~?)
I'd give you the happy story but due to some technical difficulties, I wouldn't want to do any atom bomb deactivating, if you know what I mean *wink (you don't, don't you. Oh well~ this IS my story and you just listen/read)


            So begins the joyous parts of my journey, filled to the brim with happy moments with dear dear dear family. Moments of which I will keep to myself and to those who have lived through it with me ;)


Year 2011 (sadly SPM year) - And now I write to you with a new laptop courtesy of my Uncle and Father (It came in a set WooHoo! xD)


Yes I skipped many parts as you have read. Laziness and old age overcomes a person. Be thankful I'm even posting this.....now what did I tell you again? >,>